When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary