ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”