Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Twitter fine art
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
my one true gender
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.