GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
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Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?