Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal ðŸ˜
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?