Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.