Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.