My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.