You Might Also Like
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*