If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma