Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅