Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
who will stop them
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming