Cannot stop laughing at this
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People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I put the mess in domestic.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Phonetics
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
turning my gender off to conserve energy
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
One venti cheeseburger please.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?