I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
accurate
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please