We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me :
All Day At Night
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.