From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
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thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Labreador
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
This is hilarious….
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.