MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
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Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The dark side of Canada
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Still my favourite meme.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.