I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
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Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I love wikipedia
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you