These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
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piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I want what they have
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
(Gaming support cat.)
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
just pretend nothing happened