cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”