I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Breaking news:
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.