Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
You Might Also Like
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?