This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”