Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.