I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.