6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
thanks auntie mary
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes