soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
broke down and did it
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Goat cheese is for herders.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower