My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
You Might Also Like
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Happy birthday to all the women
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!