“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.