Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Good morning
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I saw nothing
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!