I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams