We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.