cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”