So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
You Might Also Like
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
finally
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!