Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.