7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed