Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
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I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
is this meant to deter me
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Note to self: I am a note
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.