Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!