My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.