Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
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“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*has no idea what a book even is*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…