mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
found my next D&D character name
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“I took care of your clown problem.”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My Sentiments Exactly
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
You got this…
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.