“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.