I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
guys I’m going home
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice