Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
New Tinder profile.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news