[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”