some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My patience has stretch marks.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands