OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
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Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
spicy snake
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Beauty and the Beast
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.