I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
shampoo implies shampee
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick