me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
You Might Also Like
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish