Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works